you hate your pulse because it thinks you’re still alive.

i dont even know anymore.

(thats the thing.)
whether im happy or sad.
whether i miss you or im fine.
i know i feel alone.

but i dont even know if im feeling.

ill know im feeling if i hear myself cry.
ill know im awake if i taste the smoke on my teeth.
ill know im not alone if i feel you touch me.
but who are you?
i dont know.

i know i feel alone.
but i dont even know if im unhappy.
(thats the thing.)

chemicals.

im full of stress.

is it the stress?

(that makes me worry, that makes me paranoid.)

is it the stress?

(that makes me reach out, makes you step back.)

am i even paranoid?

is it all in my head?

(maybe.)

(i don't think so.)

is it all in my brain?

(maybe.)

maybe it's just the chemicals.

that get released.

that get ingested.

maybe its just the oxytocin. in me.

maybe its just the testosterone. in you.

that makes you less inclined. fight or flight.

that makes me so inclined. the love chemical.

maybe i should let it go.

maybe i shouldn't.

maybe i should just let you go.

maybe i shouldn't.

(i don't have a choice.)

maybe i don't want to... maybe i can't. (looks like i have to.)

i don't want to rationalize.

with all the chemicals.

i've done it too many times.

i don't want to rationalize.

by taking all the chemicals.

but that's all i've been doing- all i can do.

amphetamine. caffine. nicotine. repeat.

cortisol. oxytocin. repeat.

emotion.

how pathetic it is to describe these things which can't truly be described

i can feel it.

but i can not tell you how it feels.

love.nostalgia.heartbreak.comfort.sadness.lonliness.joy.desire.

the words that try to justify do far more wrong.

what's left to lose?

a lot.

i don't want to lose you.

its time to get out of the desert and into the sun.

even if its alone.

but i'm not alone. (i'm alone now).

so its harder to keep my distance.

so i distance myself.

i haven't done enough.

i've done too much.

i have to do too much. (i was right i did too much.)

help me?

i don't want to be alone but by clinging on so tightly im so scared ill lose you. (i lost you) im not scared to be alone but i cant find the strength to be with and without you.

the nights of loving you make the nights with my pillow that much worse.

it doesn't smell like you. (i miss your smell.)

and i could love you. (but you couldn't love me.)

(so i guess i'll never get the chance.)

shes dying to get out of this hell.

i cant compromise here.

take me by the hand.

i cant feel your feet touching mine. i can feel you stepping back as i step forward.

and you were the one

moving too quickly.

but the second you step back

i reach out.

please take my hand.

you mean that much to me.

its nothing new

just give me another few years.

who needs a crutch?

pull off the bandage there's no

wound.

but it was there before

i miss it

it was a comfort to know my scars did show.

and now all i get are empty remarks filled with pity not concern.

not love

make me feel.

i love things that make my heart pump blood.

make me feel real.

i love things that i can accomplish, that dont really matter.

make me feel active and productive.

dont make me feel stressed.

i love things that help me feel, and release.

make me feel new.

i love things that make me look attractive.

make me feel important.

i love things that i can experience, that my friends love.

make me feel connected.

i love things that give me goosebumps, that tickle.

make me feel loved.

i love people, and the world.

make me feel.

.

(i just wanted to be happy again.)

dear focused inquiry class

my computer is broken.

my stress levels are at their maximum.

my to do list continues to grow at a faster rate than i can cross things off.

kill me now.

love, zena.

just two more weeks.

tumblr.

i shall now be known as the

queen of socially awkward internet nerds.

(aka the only one of my friends that actually had a conversation with david karp, creator of tumlbr.)

but really, he was much nicer and more approachable than i would have thought.

it was quite lovely.

he showed me a video of his new puppy running up the stairs which was too adorable.

he complimented me on my hair.

he talked about how he loved sailing, because it made him feel like a pirate.

he told me how he grew up in new york and how he loves it.

how he loves traveling, and when he moved to japan for a year it was because he had his heartbroken.

he asked my major, and when i said business because i wanted to own a restaurant or bakery he asked how i got into it, and if my family was into it.

he asked where i was from, and my summer plans.

too happy.

in your eyes.

so i got my first tattoo today!

and i have the hugest ass explanation for why i got it.

so here we go! :)

so the symbolism behind an eye is that it is a gateway into the soul. and the reason i decided to put it so close to my feet is that i believe that who you are is very closely connected to your walk in life, and the path you choose. also, and here is where it gets a bit gay so bear with me, count olaf, the villain from a series of unfortunate events has a tattoo of an eye on his ankle as well, and he always ends up popping up in different disguises and the authorities wont interfere. this mirrors the idea that bad things will keep on happening and sometimes you have to deal with these problems on your own. also in the book the three siblings all had their own strengths and weaknesses and they had to work together to solve their problems. showing that you can depend on the people you care about, and cooperation, love, friendship, and family are all necessary in order to deal with just about anything in life. and regardless that life can seem like a "series of unfortunate events" it can also be wonderful and happy. the last connection to the book is that in the end everything is never fully explained, thus going along with the idea that you'll never be able to fully understand everything in life and that's okay it's the journey that matters. also the eyelashes are relatively pronounced as a reflection of femininity and how i embrace that idea, and also eyelashes are a way of protecting your eyes, just as they can protect your soul.

reverse.

it feels like reverting back to an old state of mind.

i thought i was over being like this, but i guess not.

and its not that it's really the same.

its not as intense.

its not so serious.

im older.

youre even older.

im not so up and down.

youre not so up and down.

im different.

youre different.

im not so different.

youre not so different.

im happy i can still feel, like i used to.

im happy im not as detached as i thought i was.

as i never really wanted to be.

i havent really changed.

just on the surface.

all the baggage and the dreams

october 29th, 2008; we spent the afternoon on the roof.

forgetting makes things easier, but i remember.

october 30th, 2008; we broke up for the second time.

it wouldn't be the last time.

september 5th, 2010; that would be the last time.

forgetting makes things easier, i tried to forget.

january 8th, 2011; we spoke for the last time.

but it makes no difference, what i do, or think, or say.

february 9th, 2011; you were written into my life's soundtrack.

i should've been after you, by rooney.

april 9th, 2011;

i walked by the roof.

i walked by our old school.

rooney blasting from my earphones, picked at random by genius playlist.

and there you are, walking towards me.

but that's what you get when you live in a small world.

sushi.

in other news, i like raw fish.

in other news, i like rice.

in other news, i like seaweed.

in other news, i like asian food.

in other news my hair is blonde.

(you probably knew that)

love sought death

outside

im just in a random grassy field where people walk their dogs.

its not interesting.

but the sun is beating down so the surface of my skin is hot to the touch.

and the shadow of one page blowing in the wind makes a ying yang of the words on the pages.

and the wind reminds you that everything is always moving. always changing.

and the trees make a wall between me and the other side. (whatever the other side may hold)

and the wind puts a chill down my legs, like its still winter. because it is. till the 21st.

but its all green. and its growing. and its alive. and youre alive.

and its beautiful.

burn after reading

this scene was so cool. i really cant get over it, so much symbolism… so if you dont give a fuck about that shit dont read this. but i HAD to type it out.

okay, well a) carrots are a symbol of lust and fertility, also kind of a phallic symbol b) when the mistress says “you think that might be enough carrots.” she is mirroring her opinion that shes had enough of the relationship just being about sex and she wants to move forward, c) hes using a knife to cut his ties with their relationship, that has to do with only lust (at least to him), and his lifestyle of cheating on his wife and being all about sex d) the knife is reflective, which is him reflecting on himself and leading him to go call his wife, e) orange is a symbol of spiritual fullness, d) theres so many carrots that once he cut them up its basically a sea of orange, mirrored in him searching for fullness by calling his wife, e) the fact that when he calls his wife she turns him down is reflected in that his spiritual fullness is all cut up and distorted and that hes based on lust even if its been cut up, f) carrots help improve eyesight, and so after he calls her he finds out that his wife is divorcing him and can see clearly his marriage for what it has become.

extremes.

i love extremes.

i love thunderstorms and i love the blinding sun.

i love crying and i love laughing.

i love silence and i love music so loud you cant hear yourself think.

i love running and i love sitting.

i love feeling empty, having only ingested coffee and smoke and i love eating rich tasty treats till im full to the brim.

i love dancing till i cant move and i love laying and staring at the stars.

i love screaming the lyrics to my favorite songs and i love silently listening.

i love speeding down the highway with a legal intent to kill and i love walking.

i would tell you im bipolar.

and you would probably believe me.

if i ever told my psychiatrist the truth, he would tell me im bipolar.

and i would probably believe him.

it probably wouldnt surprise you if i told you i love the manic moments.

when i could stare at a tree for hours just appreciating how beautiful it is.

when i could talk for hours, and listen for hours, and laugh with anyone.

when i love whoever that person is, because theyre happy, and theyre listening to me, and they love me, and theyre sharing theirself with me.

when i am excited for everything that has happened, and everything that will happen.

(life. love. him. him too. closeness. distance. old times. new times. old friends. new, almost, friends. possibilities. boundaries. naivety. realization. carefree. pragmatic. normalcy. novelty. constraints. independence. addiction. courage. deterioration. growth. closure. loose ends. need. want. suppression. admission. ease. struggle.)

when i know things will be bad, but its all still beautiful, and right now things are wonderful.

but would it surprise you if i told you i love the tragic times too?

when i could sit in the laundry room and cry for hours, no idea how much time has passed.

when i contemplate the number of ways i could escape.

when i remember what happened before, how it could happen again, how it could never happen again, and how much it hurts.

when i think to myself about how much i miss it.

(life. love. him. him too. closeness. distance. old times. new times. old friends. new, almost, friends. possibilities. boundaries. naivety. realization. carefree. pragmatic. normalcy. novelty. constraints. independence. addiction. courage. deterioration. growth. closure. loose ends. need. want. suppression. admission. ease. struggle.)

when i know things are bad, but its all still beautiful, and at some point things will be wonderful.

i would tell you im bipolar.

and you would probably believe me.

if i ever told my psychiatrist the truth, he would tell me im bipolar.

and i would probably believe him.

but if i ever told my psychiatrist the truth, he would take my extremes from me.

and i love them.

i think i could love you anyway

it's the ones that act all understanding, 

Iike they don't care, 

and it's okay, 

and they understand, 

and it doesn't matter, 

that embarrass me the most, because it is so fucking weird to yell, 

"victory for the forces of democratic freedom,"

 when you're shooting off that i can tell they're totally freaked out and just condescending down to me and pretending they understand. 

and it's those-- those are the ones where actually-- i actually end up almost getting pissed off

 and don't even feel embarrassed 

not calling them

or totally avoiding them... 

the ones that say, "i think i could love you anyway."

think.

this is what i think when im alone.
youre the reason i think these things.
youre the reason i feel alone.



one earbud in, one earbud out. one ear listening to the beauty of emotion created by a person. one ear listening to the beauty of life created by the world.

the lake reflects the lights and the moon. self reflection and rebirth of female sexuality and hope. the branches of trees obscure the stars in the sky. life, growth, obscures the infinite possibilities. and beauty. and hope.

a flashing light on a passing plane. a trail of smoke tracing its path. the flickering hope of moving forward. moving on. leaves the past clouded and unclear. obscured by the feeling of regret. of forgetting.

theres weeping willows across the lake. they remind me of home. my home was willow lawn drive. the willows had all been cut down before i ever lived there. the death of sadness connected to the feeling of home. across the lake. a disconnect from that feeling of home since i left. moved away. ill have to cross the water. be reborn. to find a new sense of home. though that new home will have sorrow. ill still weep there. the willows are not yet gone. the sorrow has not yet died.

when i was small i would come here with my family, with my home. sitting here tonight, my eyesight has adjusted to the darkness, and i see more in the beauty here than i did before. than i did when i was small. a sense of self reflection in the adjustment. in the water. in rebirth. the feeling of home from the willow trees. the feeling of home from everything i see now, that i didnt see then. a disconnect from naivety, a past feeling of home and a new one.

its getting chilly. my hands are cold. my chest is getting cold. the connection to creation. to touching, to connecting to life. is getting cold. unfeeling. my heart, my passion, is getting cold. unfeeling. cold-hearted.

there are cars passing on the other side of the lake. opportunities await my passage through the water. through self reflection. through rebirth. some cars are louder than other. some opportunities are more obvious than others.

the cars headlights are white. hopeful. positive. the taillights, the thing youve turned your back to, the thing that others identify as you, theyre red. passionate. emotional. vibrant.

the gazebo behind me is where i met matthew for the last time. it has a roof. it has walls. it had safety. it had security. but it kept me from the water. from self reflection. from rebirth. it ended. and now im laying on sand. the left over remnants of something permanent eroded.

im on an island. im isolated. alone. ill have to cross that bridge (literal) (figurative) to find companionship. to find company. to leave.

smoking. destructive fiery rebirth (death) of health. clouded by the smoke rising from my cigarette. obscured by the feeling of calm from the nicotine.

the streetlamp behind me lights up the back of the trees. lights up the back of me. but i face the darkness. my back turned to hope. joy. light.

running makes it hard to breathe. just like racing through life makes it hard to live.



this is what i think when im alone.
youre the reason i think these things.
youre the reason i feel alone.

but youre the reason i see the beauty in these things.

"old flame."

i stare into the flame.

it could mean so much more than just that first drag on my cigarette.

id like to believe parallel symbolism happens in real life.

(i finally fixed the zippo you got me).

drown.

breathe. breathe. breathe. the water seeps into my ears, trying to coax me into letting it take that last step into my lungs. i fucking cant breathe, you fucking water, ill drown. dont you get that? and with that i burst through the surface, gulping down every last breath.

the current swam through my toes as if to seduce me. and i remembered matthew. his feet played with mine the same way he played with my emotions. i would still tell you he loved me. but some may beg to differ. and i would still tell you i loved him. but he may beg to differ.

and he may be right. maybe i dont love anyone. maybe i just wallow in my grief. and maybe i dont love anything at all. maybe i just need. need. need. but i would still tell you i loved him, i would tell you i still do.

and with that i sunk back into the water, holding on tight to the air i had so greedily inhaled. the water pushed at my chest. it wanted me to let it take that last step, not to my lungs, but to my heart. and i would tell you the water loved me. but some may beg to differ. the weight of the water made my heart pound in the same way as the boy with his hands still on my heartstrings. they both made it so hard to breathe.

i never wanted to know what it really meant to be alone.

youre not alone. the water whispered into my ear.

i love you.

i love you too.

and i took a breath. letting the water take that last step.

and i lived.

shaking.

every time this happens i don't regret it. i probably should. i should. i crouch on the elevator floor, shaking the whole way down. sixteen, fifteen, fourteen, four... you have my heart. a folded up sheet of paper, printed in red ink because that's all i have left. i hand you my words encased in layers of paper. and i leave them with you. to edit, annotate, and toss aside.

and im scared.

that was all i had left.

and you tell me it's beautiful.
and you tell me i'm beautiful.
and you tell me it will be okay.

and everything will be okay.

an idea.

i have heard this spiel too many times. i listened as you first strung the words together. i watched as you realized it all coming together. even in the moment i couldnt overlook the importance of it. i could see it reflected in your eyes. you have to love the person more than you love the idea. i cant reiterate your thoughts. i could probably recite your words verbatim. but it wouldnt be the same. your words are so much more beautiful. your ideas are so much more beautiful. your passion is so much more beautiful. youre so much more beautiful. so im not going to try.

instead these are my thoughts, as long-winded as they may be, on the things you've said so many times.

sometimes you get so caught up in the idea. you get so immersed in the principle of it all. you lose yourself. you lose the beauty you saw in yourself. so then whats the point in it? if it doesnt make you see the beauty in the world, in yourself. drop it. thats it. be bigger than the idea. why believe something that makes you feel ugly, that makes the world seem ugly? doesn't that defeat the purpose of believing in something?

sometimes you get so caught up in the idea. you get so immersed in the principle of it all. you lose the people you love. you lose the beauty you saw in those people. so then whats the point in it? if it doesnt let you see the beauty in the world, in other people. drop it. thats it. people are bigger than ideas. why believe something that makes you feel like theyre ugly, that makes the world seem ugly? doesnt that defeat the purpose of believing in something?

so dont get so caught up in the idea. get immersed in the love for it all. dont lose anything. dont lose the beauty you saw in anything. thats the point. let yourself see the beauty in the world, in everyone. drop the idea. thats it. love people because theyre alive, because theyre life, not because of their ideas. so dont believe something that makes you feel like people are ugly, that makes the world seem ugly.

the purpose of believing in something is to be able to appreciate the beauty in life. even if someone doesnt agree with what you believe, their belief helps them see the beauty in the world. isnt that, arent they, arent you more important than either of your ideals?

i think so.

but then again, this is all still just an idea.

fuck.

im fucked up. i am a fucked up version of her. i was her last semester, last summer. and every word shes saying. i see myself in. the branches look like veins. i said that to you a week ago. i did. the branches arching upwards, as if theyre trying to scrape the sky. their source of life flows from the roots up to the bark on the tips of their branches. so so many feet above the ground. the veins and the arteries carrying deoxygenated and oxygenated blood. our source of life. from the tips of our toes and back to our worn and tattered hearts. i said that to you. in so many words. its like a life force or something. she says. in so many words. and you say how you like that idea.

and i listen to every word.

why am i even fucking listening anymore?

and im too fucked up to fix it.

why am i even fucking trying anymore?

dialogue.

...

(sorry if this wasn't what you wanted for a story with only dialogue. but silence is all encompassing. and thats how i felt.)

in defense of beauty.

the world is beautiful, people are beautiful, and what we've done is beautiful. he probably get tired of hearing me say these things i think as i sit with my coffee blowing smoke into the wind. hes not really in the same place. but you never did. youre the only person i know that really fathomed the idea. youre where i got it from after all. but i cant even say these things around you anymore. i distract myself, look away, recite lyrics in my head, relish in the sound of laughter nearby, and resolve to study the branches in a nearby tree. theyre beautiful. beauty of that sort is the only thing i can think of when im around you. if i dont, ill lose faith. the notion that things will be ok. its not because of you though, you and the world are beautiful. i could never doubt that, i have too much faith and care way too much about everything around me. its beautiful in it's bitter and unrelenting ways. and theyre just as important, as pertinent, as it's more agreeable features.
i dont really know how to defend the beauty of the world. the only thing i know is the way the branches in monroe park reach into the sky, the sound of quivering guitar strings, and crys of words still entwined with lingering sentiment, the brightness of the sun foiled only by the shade created by imposing buildings, the unbridled gusts of wind that make it impossible to finish a page in my book. these things couldnt be more pure and honest. more beautiful.
things dont have to be life changing or even relevant to remind me that life is beautiful. life reminds me of that by just being. even if sometimes that doesnt make any difference.

im fine.

sometimes you think youre going to be fine.
life kicks you in the balls.
and you say well this is a new experience and at least i still have balls.
then something reminds you that youre not fine.
it fucking hurts.

social networking is the devil

so we were supposed to give up some sort of technology for a day. well honestly the only thing that would be tremendously difficult to give up for a day would be my phone. and i like being able to meet up with people. so i gave up social networking for as long as i felt was necessary. and officially i made it three days.
i say officially because i made it through most of today, er sunday, however me and my good friend went to philly yesterday and i just had to post the pictures for him. and i caved. but i made it thursday-saturday anyway. :) honestly, it was just really fucking nice. the thing about social networking is that, regardless of its positive aspects, you end up wasting copious amounts of time just sitting at the computer. which is something i hate that i do. the outdoors is my favorite place to be, and talking to people is just about as effective as any drug one could take in regards to making you feel a certain way. something thats really diluted on the internet. people really are the most beautiful thing in this world. this world really is quite beautiful.
one really big bonus of doing this was i had some shit happen to me on friday. and instead of dwelling on the issue and ranting away my problems on xanga (yes, i am twelve and i still use my xanga. shut up.) i spent the time cleaning my room, doing laundry, and having two really wonderful conversations. one with someone i hadn't talked to in forever and another with a guy i had only met once before when he was sitting outside johnson in a bathrobe. not only that, but i had time to just think about things. and so instead of materializing sour memories into a quote unquote tangible record of events, i ended up cementing myself in a really optimistic frame of mind.
its not like im going to give up my facebook, tumblr, xanga, twitter, and stumbleupon from now on. but i feel like it will be nice for it not to be something i absentmindedly waste time on and automatically reach for. plus the weather is soon to be nice! so ill see everyone outside far from their computers in the coming days!

joy of cooking

chocolate cups filled with love and sugar. waiting to be compiled: solely by my hands and a wire contraption twisted into being for this very purpose. this is my favorite thing. if i were a housewife or a mother i would be the epitome of every misogynistic joke. never to leave my sanctuary of food preparation.

i smile at the assortment of ingredients organized into an orderly line. waiting for me to transform them into something completely different. they've never cooperated on this with me before today. but it's a new day, and i'm owed a success, in light of recent anatomical failures. (the class, not my body.) i think how i should drop out and become a baker. i would give away anything i made till i had nothing. you can't be bitter about sweets after all. perhaps that's not a smart idea.

but anyway. cake is my nemesis. pie, cookies, brownies, blondies, tarts, crisps, shortbread, even cheesecake. but any attempt i've made at cake, hasn't even come close to resembling what you would bring to a birthday party. today was different. and after a superfluously messy assimilation of ingredients, and seventeen minutes of dull anticipation. i reach into the oven to take out six perfectly risen, moist, cups of spongy chocolate love. i have no idea what i did differently. to be honest the recipe wasn't even too meticulously followed.
but something agreed with me.

and after the past few days of feeling like i don't really know anything. it's nice to know i can bake a cake.

variance.

i'm going to start this off in the way you're never supposed to start off anything. i don't want to write this.
whatever.

variance

you were worried about me, worried about yourself worrying about me. i can tell you're scared of the latter. i feel a hatred for the things that could keep me alive. and the things i feel like i need could kill me. you should be worried, be scared. i keep repeating i'm sorry. you say not to be. but how's that possible? i feel alone. but less empty than i had. i saw this coming. "i understand if you don't want to do this anymore. you can leave i understand" i remember thinking before. i just want you to be happy. i want to change, to make you happy. even if the grief isn't my fault. isn't intentional. i can't try to convince you to do something you don't want to do anymore, i tell you this. but i try anyway. believe me. (please?) i tell you i can change. (can i change?) (i can change.) and i'm crying.

you confused me with someone else. you can be convinced. i'm not her. if i believe i can change, than you believe i can change. i'm still who i am if i'm not doing this. i can still do what i'm doing if i'm not doing this. i can't be afraid of failure. challenges are successes no matter if i fail. everything has to be internalized. (it's hard to reprogram your thoughts.) i didn't take you seriously. i did. i stopped. that hurt. (why wouldn't it?) (i wish i hadn't been so weak.) you believed me. you see signs it was a facade. (there i go again, fuck.) you interject, upset. was it just a masquerade? (fuck.) you don't want to make me feel like shit. (again.) (it's not your fault.) (it's my fault.) and you stop. you look for signs i'm lying. not sure if i doth protest too much. or if it hurts, low expectations. you trust me. (i hope).

(you do.)

(i hope you were right to)

end

i'm glad i wrote this.

it will end in tears

what am i supposed to do when everything is deteriorating at once?



its subtle.

but im scared.
but i still feel alive.

i hope you dont mind.

My bed at night is the worst place to be. Especially alone. I can’t even remember when that became my reality, but it’s how a lot of problems have been started, and thus left unfinished. But being vague isn’t my intent.

A routine, every night, the best and worst conversations were carried through telephone wires, with me still alone in my bed, and you in yours. Technology is a strange thing, but then again so is love. And the things one misses when it’s gone. Lying in my bed alone after the second break, but still before the end, I missed your presence. Even the tense silence on the other line of your trying not to say the wrong thing could have comforted me, but then there Nathan was. His voice was never even an echo of yours, and his embrace never touched yours, but it was almost enough. And then there I was, alone in my bed, with his words carried through telephone wires. His serenade, singing “Your Song” through shit reception, was still more of an effort than you ever made. But I still would have rather listened to you breathe.

yes this started as the soundtrack essay. didn't feel like working with it like that.

also this is just me reflecting. not really current.

"creature comforts"

ken steele makes a good point on the fact that these are four common motivations of students attending college, and im almost positive he's aware most people have a bit of each of these motivations in them so i'm not going to try and argue that point. instead i'll just say that yes- all of these things influenced my choice to attend college.

going through high school, attending maggie walker governor's school for government and international studies historic high school (bla bla bla we had the longest name ever), everyone in my grade applied to college, and only one person ended up not getting in and even he ended up attending community college. so yeah, though i was hardly "pushed" into going to college, it was something that was definitely expected of me. regardless of whether or not i really knew what i was going to do with me life.

which leads me into his careerists category. this is probably where i fit in best. which is a bit of a negative attitude in my opinion, but i suppose i'm a bit negative. what i'm really interested in doing is nursing. and to relate these two facts ill bring you back to my first semester, which was spent not really learning but doing everything i could possibly do to make it out with all As and up my chances of getting into nursing school.

i'm not really going to go into my reasoning for going into college to learn, because learning has always been something i enjoyed or at least really found satisfaction in doing. and i find it pretty self explanatory as to why this would motivate me in my classes etc. so....

on to the category "drifters". i have to be a little disgruntled about the name of this category, but i feel like i may be seeing the idea of it a little differently than him as well. to methe phrase creature comforts conjures up a vision of the entire college experience. moving away from home, meeting new people, being in a new environment that's not going to chew you up and spit you back out, etc. i feel like this is a really important part of college. it's sort of a safety yes, but it lets people let loose and take chances they might not otherwise and experience all sorts of new things that in the real world can seem way too scary. and with the amount of people you come in contact with at college, you can meet some of the most intelligent people. the same people might end up failing out, majoring in something not necessarily "academic" in nature, or just be taking a few classes on the side to a job. but they can teach you, in my opinion, more than any class could. and i know in my case the people i've met already have taught me more than i thought possible.

so really, i feel like all these things apply to almost everyone. but if i had to narrow it down for myself, my two really big ones would have to be drifter and careerist (in my own definition to drifter... regardless of if that fits with steele's).

you all make burning in hell seem like it’s not so tough

hell is in turmoil and we all know it, the trouble is none of us know what to do. hell is what we call our suite, and what used to be our big group of mischievous friends that would come over and, with the risk of sounding redundant, raise hell.

but things have happened to us, and we've all calmed down. we've become less of hellions. and we've been disjointed. though it could definitely be traced back to a lot of understandable reasons, there's nothing we can do about those things now. and instead of dealing with it, little sects have arisen, and though we can't ignore it's happening none of us even bring up the problem outside of our own little sect.

at this point it feels like trying to fix a political system. there are too many factions, and different people with different opinions. there's no easy solution, but we need to start the discussion. because whether we feel like we can show it anymore or not, we still love each other.

i feel like this happens to a lot of groups of friends, but we were brought together for a reason: we're all fucking weird. not that everyone doesn't have their little quirks and that we're special because we're weirder than everyone. that's not the point at all. but together we all feel like we can be our weirdest, and over break none of us really felt at home. even though hell had already been going through issues.

before we got here and met each other,we had all had our own issues with being socially awkward, or whatever it was. i remember hearing one of my friends go on and on about how much happier he was since he had been here with us, and one of my best friends used to feel anxious in most social situations but now it's one of those things she doesn't have to deal with. and i know on my part, i don't have to feel that way around these people. or, at least, i didn't. and now it's almost an issue of, can we all be together without worrying about when someone leaves will the dialogue change to trash talking that person, or even just the worry of a feeling of tenseness when we're all with each other.

and i'm sorry this probably wasn't relevant or something that mattered to anyone else, but at this point i needed to say it to someone. ill try to be more interesting and less long-winded next time.

bucket list

we only die but once and it’s for such a long time

1. talk to more people about their lives and their experiences that have been important to them

2. think more about thinking

3. get up courage and plan singing at open mic night with caleb this was absolutely wonderful fyi :)

4. have coffee and cigarettes with sarah

5. get joey demarco's new cd

6. listen to devendra banhart

7. find a balance with

8. don't be as introverted around friend's friends

9. find a balance about how to act around friends parents

10. be less prejudiced and stereotyping

11. don't let the amoeba rug spread again

12. start painting and drawing again more

13. read all the books i need to read (the alienist, tell all, squirrel seeks chipmunk, heroes and villains, wasted, secret life of bees, etc)

14. play shadow of the colossus

15. get into nursing school (mid march please be positive!) OR NOT.

16. don't get so frustrated and up-tight about things and just fix them or let them be

17. watch eraserhead and other david lynch movies (blue velvet)

18. learn more about how the human body works (here we go anatomy class)

19. go to every single one of my nutrition classes

20. find closure instead of suppressing it like you have been for months since you know everything is okay.

21. get up courage to tell the entire story to someone at once

22. draw something thats not a portrait, challenge my routine and shit

23. be more optimistic, and instead of just believing actually work for said change in luck

24. go to italy, india, england, japan, egypt, and many more

25. take a class on fondant icing decorating

26. do nursing work in belize (or wherever the trip happens to be) OR NOT

27. keep up with my new classes and retain the information, especially since it's actually things i'm more interested in than classes last semester

28. take a beginners cooking class, so i know basics about cooking in general instead of being able to follow directions. being able to fix food and play with it while knowing basics on what not to do so i don't screw up something that would be easy to avoid

29. stop taking parents for granted

30. go to a music festival

31. tint hair purple totes didnt work out :-P

32. learn to cook meat properly

33. get on civil terms

34. learn more about the political system and current events in the US and other countries

35. don't revert back to the state of a complete lack of emotional control (COMPLETELY FAILING@THIS)

36. experiment more with non realistic art, and learn to not to be unnecessarily critical of anything stylized i do

37. start working out, and be able to run a 10k again

38. get a stereotypical 50s housewife outfit complete with apron and make apple pie

39. stop biting nails

40. learn how to make sushi

41. learn how to ballroom dance

42. get a tattoo