chemicals.

im full of stress.

is it the stress?

(that makes me worry, that makes me paranoid.)

is it the stress?

(that makes me reach out, makes you step back.)

am i even paranoid?

is it all in my head?

(maybe.)

(i don't think so.)

is it all in my brain?

(maybe.)

maybe it's just the chemicals.

that get released.

that get ingested.

maybe its just the oxytocin. in me.

maybe its just the testosterone. in you.

that makes you less inclined. fight or flight.

that makes me so inclined. the love chemical.

maybe i should let it go.

maybe i shouldn't.

maybe i should just let you go.

maybe i shouldn't.

(i don't have a choice.)

maybe i don't want to... maybe i can't. (looks like i have to.)

i don't want to rationalize.

with all the chemicals.

i've done it too many times.

i don't want to rationalize.

by taking all the chemicals.

but that's all i've been doing- all i can do.

amphetamine. caffine. nicotine. repeat.

cortisol. oxytocin. repeat.

emotion.

how pathetic it is to describe these things which can't truly be described

i can feel it.

but i can not tell you how it feels.

love.nostalgia.heartbreak.comfort.sadness.lonliness.joy.desire.

the words that try to justify do far more wrong.

what's left to lose?

a lot.

i don't want to lose you.

its time to get out of the desert and into the sun.

even if its alone.

but i'm not alone. (i'm alone now).

so its harder to keep my distance.

so i distance myself.

i haven't done enough.

i've done too much.

i have to do too much. (i was right i did too much.)

help me?

i don't want to be alone but by clinging on so tightly im so scared ill lose you. (i lost you) im not scared to be alone but i cant find the strength to be with and without you.

the nights of loving you make the nights with my pillow that much worse.

it doesn't smell like you. (i miss your smell.)

and i could love you. (but you couldn't love me.)

(so i guess i'll never get the chance.)

shes dying to get out of this hell.

i cant compromise here.

take me by the hand.

i cant feel your feet touching mine. i can feel you stepping back as i step forward.

and you were the one

moving too quickly.

but the second you step back

i reach out.

please take my hand.

you mean that much to me.

its nothing new

just give me another few years.

who needs a crutch?

pull off the bandage there's no

wound.

but it was there before

i miss it

it was a comfort to know my scars did show.

and now all i get are empty remarks filled with pity not concern.

not love

make me feel.

i love things that make my heart pump blood.

make me feel real.

i love things that i can accomplish, that dont really matter.

make me feel active and productive.

dont make me feel stressed.

i love things that help me feel, and release.

make me feel new.

i love things that make me look attractive.

make me feel important.

i love things that i can experience, that my friends love.

make me feel connected.

i love things that give me goosebumps, that tickle.

make me feel loved.

i love people, and the world.

make me feel.

.

(i just wanted to be happy again.)

dear focused inquiry class

my computer is broken.

my stress levels are at their maximum.

my to do list continues to grow at a faster rate than i can cross things off.

kill me now.

love, zena.

just two more weeks.

tumblr.

i shall now be known as the

queen of socially awkward internet nerds.

(aka the only one of my friends that actually had a conversation with david karp, creator of tumlbr.)

but really, he was much nicer and more approachable than i would have thought.

it was quite lovely.

he showed me a video of his new puppy running up the stairs which was too adorable.

he complimented me on my hair.

he talked about how he loved sailing, because it made him feel like a pirate.

he told me how he grew up in new york and how he loves it.

how he loves traveling, and when he moved to japan for a year it was because he had his heartbroken.

he asked my major, and when i said business because i wanted to own a restaurant or bakery he asked how i got into it, and if my family was into it.

he asked where i was from, and my summer plans.

too happy.

in your eyes.

so i got my first tattoo today!

and i have the hugest ass explanation for why i got it.

so here we go! :)

so the symbolism behind an eye is that it is a gateway into the soul. and the reason i decided to put it so close to my feet is that i believe that who you are is very closely connected to your walk in life, and the path you choose. also, and here is where it gets a bit gay so bear with me, count olaf, the villain from a series of unfortunate events has a tattoo of an eye on his ankle as well, and he always ends up popping up in different disguises and the authorities wont interfere. this mirrors the idea that bad things will keep on happening and sometimes you have to deal with these problems on your own. also in the book the three siblings all had their own strengths and weaknesses and they had to work together to solve their problems. showing that you can depend on the people you care about, and cooperation, love, friendship, and family are all necessary in order to deal with just about anything in life. and regardless that life can seem like a "series of unfortunate events" it can also be wonderful and happy. the last connection to the book is that in the end everything is never fully explained, thus going along with the idea that you'll never be able to fully understand everything in life and that's okay it's the journey that matters. also the eyelashes are relatively pronounced as a reflection of femininity and how i embrace that idea, and also eyelashes are a way of protecting your eyes, just as they can protect your soul.

reverse.

it feels like reverting back to an old state of mind.

i thought i was over being like this, but i guess not.

and its not that it's really the same.

its not as intense.

its not so serious.

im older.

youre even older.

im not so up and down.

youre not so up and down.

im different.

youre different.

im not so different.

youre not so different.

im happy i can still feel, like i used to.

im happy im not as detached as i thought i was.

as i never really wanted to be.

i havent really changed.

just on the surface.

all the baggage and the dreams

october 29th, 2008; we spent the afternoon on the roof.

forgetting makes things easier, but i remember.

october 30th, 2008; we broke up for the second time.

it wouldn't be the last time.

september 5th, 2010; that would be the last time.

forgetting makes things easier, i tried to forget.

january 8th, 2011; we spoke for the last time.

but it makes no difference, what i do, or think, or say.

february 9th, 2011; you were written into my life's soundtrack.

i should've been after you, by rooney.

april 9th, 2011;

i walked by the roof.

i walked by our old school.

rooney blasting from my earphones, picked at random by genius playlist.

and there you are, walking towards me.

but that's what you get when you live in a small world.

sushi.

in other news, i like raw fish.

in other news, i like rice.

in other news, i like seaweed.

in other news, i like asian food.

in other news my hair is blonde.

(you probably knew that)

love sought death

outside

im just in a random grassy field where people walk their dogs.

its not interesting.

but the sun is beating down so the surface of my skin is hot to the touch.

and the shadow of one page blowing in the wind makes a ying yang of the words on the pages.

and the wind reminds you that everything is always moving. always changing.

and the trees make a wall between me and the other side. (whatever the other side may hold)

and the wind puts a chill down my legs, like its still winter. because it is. till the 21st.

but its all green. and its growing. and its alive. and youre alive.

and its beautiful.