this is what i think when im alone.
youre the reason i think these things.
youre the reason i feel alone.
one earbud in, one earbud out. one ear listening to the beauty of emotion created by a person. one ear listening to the beauty of life created by the world.
the lake reflects the lights and the moon. self reflection and rebirth of female sexuality and hope. the branches of trees obscure the stars in the sky. life, growth, obscures the infinite possibilities. and beauty. and hope.
a flashing light on a passing plane. a trail of smoke tracing its path. the flickering hope of moving forward. moving on. leaves the past clouded and unclear. obscured by the feeling of regret. of forgetting.
theres weeping willows across the lake. they remind me of home. my home was willow lawn drive. the willows had all been cut down before i ever lived there. the death of sadness connected to the feeling of home. across the lake. a disconnect from that feeling of home since i left. moved away. ill have to cross the water. be reborn. to find a new sense of home. though that new home will have sorrow. ill still weep there. the willows are not yet gone. the sorrow has not yet died.
when i was small i would come here with my family, with my home. sitting here tonight, my eyesight has adjusted to the darkness, and i see more in the beauty here than i did before. than i did when i was small. a sense of self reflection in the adjustment. in the water. in rebirth. the feeling of home from the willow trees. the feeling of home from everything i see now, that i didnt see then. a disconnect from naivety, a past feeling of home and a new one.
its getting chilly. my hands are cold. my chest is getting cold. the connection to creation. to touching, to connecting to life. is getting cold. unfeeling. my heart, my passion, is getting cold. unfeeling. cold-hearted.
there are cars passing on the other side of the lake. opportunities await my passage through the water. through self reflection. through rebirth. some cars are louder than other. some opportunities are more obvious than others.
the cars headlights are white. hopeful. positive. the taillights, the thing youve turned your back to, the thing that others identify as you, theyre red. passionate. emotional. vibrant.
the gazebo behind me is where i met matthew for the last time. it has a roof. it has walls. it had safety. it had security. but it kept me from the water. from self reflection. from rebirth. it ended. and now im laying on sand. the left over remnants of something permanent eroded.
im on an island. im isolated. alone. ill have to cross that bridge (literal) (figurative) to find companionship. to find company. to leave.
smoking. destructive fiery rebirth (death) of health. clouded by the smoke rising from my cigarette. obscured by the feeling of calm from the nicotine.
the streetlamp behind me lights up the back of the trees. lights up the back of me. but i face the darkness. my back turned to hope. joy. light.
running makes it hard to breathe. just like racing through life makes it hard to live.
this is what i think when im alone.
youre the reason i think these things.
youre the reason i feel alone.
but youre the reason i see the beauty in these things.
