i hope you dont mind.

My bed at night is the worst place to be. Especially alone. I can’t even remember when that became my reality, but it’s how a lot of problems have been started, and thus left unfinished. But being vague isn’t my intent.

A routine, every night, the best and worst conversations were carried through telephone wires, with me still alone in my bed, and you in yours. Technology is a strange thing, but then again so is love. And the things one misses when it’s gone. Lying in my bed alone after the second break, but still before the end, I missed your presence. Even the tense silence on the other line of your trying not to say the wrong thing could have comforted me, but then there Nathan was. His voice was never even an echo of yours, and his embrace never touched yours, but it was almost enough. And then there I was, alone in my bed, with his words carried through telephone wires. His serenade, singing “Your Song” through shit reception, was still more of an effort than you ever made. But I still would have rather listened to you breathe.

yes this started as the soundtrack essay. didn't feel like working with it like that.

also this is just me reflecting. not really current.

"creature comforts"

ken steele makes a good point on the fact that these are four common motivations of students attending college, and im almost positive he's aware most people have a bit of each of these motivations in them so i'm not going to try and argue that point. instead i'll just say that yes- all of these things influenced my choice to attend college.

going through high school, attending maggie walker governor's school for government and international studies historic high school (bla bla bla we had the longest name ever), everyone in my grade applied to college, and only one person ended up not getting in and even he ended up attending community college. so yeah, though i was hardly "pushed" into going to college, it was something that was definitely expected of me. regardless of whether or not i really knew what i was going to do with me life.

which leads me into his careerists category. this is probably where i fit in best. which is a bit of a negative attitude in my opinion, but i suppose i'm a bit negative. what i'm really interested in doing is nursing. and to relate these two facts ill bring you back to my first semester, which was spent not really learning but doing everything i could possibly do to make it out with all As and up my chances of getting into nursing school.

i'm not really going to go into my reasoning for going into college to learn, because learning has always been something i enjoyed or at least really found satisfaction in doing. and i find it pretty self explanatory as to why this would motivate me in my classes etc. so....

on to the category "drifters". i have to be a little disgruntled about the name of this category, but i feel like i may be seeing the idea of it a little differently than him as well. to methe phrase creature comforts conjures up a vision of the entire college experience. moving away from home, meeting new people, being in a new environment that's not going to chew you up and spit you back out, etc. i feel like this is a really important part of college. it's sort of a safety yes, but it lets people let loose and take chances they might not otherwise and experience all sorts of new things that in the real world can seem way too scary. and with the amount of people you come in contact with at college, you can meet some of the most intelligent people. the same people might end up failing out, majoring in something not necessarily "academic" in nature, or just be taking a few classes on the side to a job. but they can teach you, in my opinion, more than any class could. and i know in my case the people i've met already have taught me more than i thought possible.

so really, i feel like all these things apply to almost everyone. but if i had to narrow it down for myself, my two really big ones would have to be drifter and careerist (in my own definition to drifter... regardless of if that fits with steele's).

you all make burning in hell seem like it’s not so tough

hell is in turmoil and we all know it, the trouble is none of us know what to do. hell is what we call our suite, and what used to be our big group of mischievous friends that would come over and, with the risk of sounding redundant, raise hell.

but things have happened to us, and we've all calmed down. we've become less of hellions. and we've been disjointed. though it could definitely be traced back to a lot of understandable reasons, there's nothing we can do about those things now. and instead of dealing with it, little sects have arisen, and though we can't ignore it's happening none of us even bring up the problem outside of our own little sect.

at this point it feels like trying to fix a political system. there are too many factions, and different people with different opinions. there's no easy solution, but we need to start the discussion. because whether we feel like we can show it anymore or not, we still love each other.

i feel like this happens to a lot of groups of friends, but we were brought together for a reason: we're all fucking weird. not that everyone doesn't have their little quirks and that we're special because we're weirder than everyone. that's not the point at all. but together we all feel like we can be our weirdest, and over break none of us really felt at home. even though hell had already been going through issues.

before we got here and met each other,we had all had our own issues with being socially awkward, or whatever it was. i remember hearing one of my friends go on and on about how much happier he was since he had been here with us, and one of my best friends used to feel anxious in most social situations but now it's one of those things she doesn't have to deal with. and i know on my part, i don't have to feel that way around these people. or, at least, i didn't. and now it's almost an issue of, can we all be together without worrying about when someone leaves will the dialogue change to trash talking that person, or even just the worry of a feeling of tenseness when we're all with each other.

and i'm sorry this probably wasn't relevant or something that mattered to anyone else, but at this point i needed to say it to someone. ill try to be more interesting and less long-winded next time.

bucket list

we only die but once and it’s for such a long time

1. talk to more people about their lives and their experiences that have been important to them

2. think more about thinking

3. get up courage and plan singing at open mic night with caleb this was absolutely wonderful fyi :)

4. have coffee and cigarettes with sarah

5. get joey demarco's new cd

6. listen to devendra banhart

7. find a balance with

8. don't be as introverted around friend's friends

9. find a balance about how to act around friends parents

10. be less prejudiced and stereotyping

11. don't let the amoeba rug spread again

12. start painting and drawing again more

13. read all the books i need to read (the alienist, tell all, squirrel seeks chipmunk, heroes and villains, wasted, secret life of bees, etc)

14. play shadow of the colossus

15. get into nursing school (mid march please be positive!) OR NOT.

16. don't get so frustrated and up-tight about things and just fix them or let them be

17. watch eraserhead and other david lynch movies (blue velvet)

18. learn more about how the human body works (here we go anatomy class)

19. go to every single one of my nutrition classes

20. find closure instead of suppressing it like you have been for months since you know everything is okay.

21. get up courage to tell the entire story to someone at once

22. draw something thats not a portrait, challenge my routine and shit

23. be more optimistic, and instead of just believing actually work for said change in luck

24. go to italy, india, england, japan, egypt, and many more

25. take a class on fondant icing decorating

26. do nursing work in belize (or wherever the trip happens to be) OR NOT

27. keep up with my new classes and retain the information, especially since it's actually things i'm more interested in than classes last semester

28. take a beginners cooking class, so i know basics about cooking in general instead of being able to follow directions. being able to fix food and play with it while knowing basics on what not to do so i don't screw up something that would be easy to avoid

29. stop taking parents for granted

30. go to a music festival

31. tint hair purple totes didnt work out :-P

32. learn to cook meat properly

33. get on civil terms

34. learn more about the political system and current events in the US and other countries

35. don't revert back to the state of a complete lack of emotional control (COMPLETELY FAILING@THIS)

36. experiment more with non realistic art, and learn to not to be unnecessarily critical of anything stylized i do

37. start working out, and be able to run a 10k again

38. get a stereotypical 50s housewife outfit complete with apron and make apple pie

39. stop biting nails

40. learn how to make sushi

41. learn how to ballroom dance

42. get a tattoo