you hate your pulse because it thinks you’re still alive.

i dont even know anymore.

(thats the thing.)
whether im happy or sad.
whether i miss you or im fine.
i know i feel alone.

but i dont even know if im feeling.

ill know im feeling if i hear myself cry.
ill know im awake if i taste the smoke on my teeth.
ill know im not alone if i feel you touch me.
but who are you?
i dont know.

i know i feel alone.
but i dont even know if im unhappy.
(thats the thing.)

chemicals.

im full of stress.

is it the stress?

(that makes me worry, that makes me paranoid.)

is it the stress?

(that makes me reach out, makes you step back.)

am i even paranoid?

is it all in my head?

(maybe.)

(i don't think so.)

is it all in my brain?

(maybe.)

maybe it's just the chemicals.

that get released.

that get ingested.

maybe its just the oxytocin. in me.

maybe its just the testosterone. in you.

that makes you less inclined. fight or flight.

that makes me so inclined. the love chemical.

maybe i should let it go.

maybe i shouldn't.

maybe i should just let you go.

maybe i shouldn't.

(i don't have a choice.)

maybe i don't want to... maybe i can't. (looks like i have to.)

i don't want to rationalize.

with all the chemicals.

i've done it too many times.

i don't want to rationalize.

by taking all the chemicals.

but that's all i've been doing- all i can do.

amphetamine. caffine. nicotine. repeat.

cortisol. oxytocin. repeat.

emotion.

how pathetic it is to describe these things which can't truly be described

i can feel it.

but i can not tell you how it feels.

love.nostalgia.heartbreak.comfort.sadness.lonliness.joy.desire.

the words that try to justify do far more wrong.

what's left to lose?

a lot.

i don't want to lose you.

its time to get out of the desert and into the sun.

even if its alone.

but i'm not alone. (i'm alone now).

so its harder to keep my distance.

so i distance myself.

i haven't done enough.

i've done too much.

i have to do too much. (i was right i did too much.)

help me?

i don't want to be alone but by clinging on so tightly im so scared ill lose you. (i lost you) im not scared to be alone but i cant find the strength to be with and without you.

the nights of loving you make the nights with my pillow that much worse.

it doesn't smell like you. (i miss your smell.)

and i could love you. (but you couldn't love me.)

(so i guess i'll never get the chance.)

shes dying to get out of this hell.

i cant compromise here.

take me by the hand.

i cant feel your feet touching mine. i can feel you stepping back as i step forward.

and you were the one

moving too quickly.

but the second you step back

i reach out.

please take my hand.

you mean that much to me.

its nothing new

just give me another few years.

who needs a crutch?

pull off the bandage there's no

wound.

but it was there before

i miss it

it was a comfort to know my scars did show.

and now all i get are empty remarks filled with pity not concern.

not love

make me feel.

i love things that make my heart pump blood.

make me feel real.

i love things that i can accomplish, that dont really matter.

make me feel active and productive.

dont make me feel stressed.

i love things that help me feel, and release.

make me feel new.

i love things that make me look attractive.

make me feel important.

i love things that i can experience, that my friends love.

make me feel connected.

i love things that give me goosebumps, that tickle.

make me feel loved.

i love people, and the world.

make me feel.

.

(i just wanted to be happy again.)