variance.

i'm going to start this off in the way you're never supposed to start off anything. i don't want to write this.
whatever.

variance

you were worried about me, worried about yourself worrying about me. i can tell you're scared of the latter. i feel a hatred for the things that could keep me alive. and the things i feel like i need could kill me. you should be worried, be scared. i keep repeating i'm sorry. you say not to be. but how's that possible? i feel alone. but less empty than i had. i saw this coming. "i understand if you don't want to do this anymore. you can leave i understand" i remember thinking before. i just want you to be happy. i want to change, to make you happy. even if the grief isn't my fault. isn't intentional. i can't try to convince you to do something you don't want to do anymore, i tell you this. but i try anyway. believe me. (please?) i tell you i can change. (can i change?) (i can change.) and i'm crying.

you confused me with someone else. you can be convinced. i'm not her. if i believe i can change, than you believe i can change. i'm still who i am if i'm not doing this. i can still do what i'm doing if i'm not doing this. i can't be afraid of failure. challenges are successes no matter if i fail. everything has to be internalized. (it's hard to reprogram your thoughts.) i didn't take you seriously. i did. i stopped. that hurt. (why wouldn't it?) (i wish i hadn't been so weak.) you believed me. you see signs it was a facade. (there i go again, fuck.) you interject, upset. was it just a masquerade? (fuck.) you don't want to make me feel like shit. (again.) (it's not your fault.) (it's my fault.) and you stop. you look for signs i'm lying. not sure if i doth protest too much. or if it hurts, low expectations. you trust me. (i hope).

(you do.)

(i hope you were right to)

end

i'm glad i wrote this.